Bad Math Part 2

The Poison of OCD

This is Part 2 of a story that highlights my experience growing up with undiagnosed OCD for OCD Awareness Week. Part 1 can be found here. Read to the end for a quick poll.

***

The sound of paper tearing rips me back into the moment, the flower rug, the immediate impending doom. My mom is fingering the corner of the scorecard that decides my future.

"Aly, Aly, do you want to know your scores?" my mom asks. She holds the proof of my failure in her hands and she has the audacity to smile. 

I reach for the scorecard with trembling hands. Printed in a neat column, I read: AP Calculus AB………Score 5.

The highest mark possible.

My vision blurs and I barely notice the tally of 4s and 5s for my other exams: AP Biology, AP US Government, AP English.

There’s a whooshing in my ears, a lump in my throat, and I drop the scorecard again.

"It's all wrong!" I wail. These cannot possibly be my results.

Test day flashes in my mind, a ticker tape of memories moving at a speed to match my racing heartbeat.

Stark room, sticky seat, numb butt cheeks. 

Free response doing okay, until graphing knocks it all away.

Connect the dots, college dreams rot.

X, Y, fucking Z. I’m a fool to wish for more than a 3.

“These aren’t my scores, these aren’t my scores,” I repeat robotically. My mom’s smile vanishes and she chokes on her praise.

“This is incre-“ she stops.

“I knew you-“

“I’m so pro-”

She falls silent. I’m crying now, heaving and gasping for air.

These cannot be my scores. If the rightful owner of this scorecard received a 5 on the AP Calculus exam, then I am not that person. If these are not my scores, I can't claim the other scores either.

I probably failed all four tests after all and I won't know my scores for, who knows, it could be months before this clerical error is corrected. I brought this on myself for wanting reassurance, for thinking things might work out. Hope is for the stupid and I was totally stupid. Fool, fool, fool.

I knew I couldn’t get higher than a 3 in Calculus like I knew the sky was blue. Like I knew all the words to LeAnn Rhyme’s Can’t Fight the Moonlight. Like I knew a sighting of Josh Bollen’s red Rav-4 would make my heart drop and palms sweat.

I knew these weren’t my scores and nothing could convince me otherwise.

We don’t celebrate. No family dinner at Asian Gardens. No texting my friends on my Motorola flip phone or calling my grandma on her house line. Why would we? These weren’t my scores. 

Once my body stops shaking and my breathing slows, I rifle through the College Board test pamphlet in search of a web address. I leave my mom in the kitchen, wrapping herself in an awkward hug I can only imagine she meant for me.

In my room, the dial-up modem on my teal iMac crackles and beeps as I wait to navigate to the College Board website. Bingo! “Request an additional copy of AP scores—$25.”

“Mom, I need your credit card!” I yell, typing in our address and checking the box to add a breakdown of my scores in each section. 

At school on Monday, when my classmates squeal and commiserate about their AP scores, I tell them I didn’t get mine yet, that there had been a mistake.

At night in bed as I lay staring at the stuffed animals I should have rotated, for a glimmer of a moment I ponder, what if those were my real scores? A flush of shame burns my checks, a bloom of embarrassment rushes through me although I am alone in my room.

Stupid, stupid Aly.

Just wait until you get back those real scores. Then the world will know what you already do.

Stark room, sticky seat, numb butt cheeks. 

Free response doing okay, until graphing knocks it all away.

Connect the dots, college dreams rot.

X, Y, fucking Z. I’m a fool to wish for more than a 3. 

***

I call my OCD “Poison” and I think the story above illustrates why. No matter what evidence or reassurance I had to the contrary, OCD convinced me that I was always one step away from total failure. A writer friend who gave me feedback on this draft told me, “It’s like body dysmorphia, but for your brain,” and I think that’s an apt description. It felt safer to assume the worst, to replay the negative, to preempt the disappointment. I got a freaking 5 on the AP Calculus exam (spoiler alert, those were my scores) and my OCD completely poisoned the experience. 

But how is this different from low self-esteem or perfectionism? I’m going to do my best to explain how my experiences fit into the OCD cycle. 

The OCD cycle consists of distressing intrusive thoughts or feelings (for me–a repetitive and convincing sense of failure). These unwanted thoughts, feelings, urges, or images make up the Obsessive part of the cycle. Everyone has occasional intrusive experiences, what makes it an Obsession is the relentless and repetitive nature of these experiences for people with OCD. 

Because these experiences are so distressing, the sufferer engages in behaviors aimed at relieving the distress–Compulsions. You may be familiar with well-known compulsions such as excessive hand washing, cleaning, or organizing. These types of compulsions can be debilitating, and it’s important to note that in OCD, people do not WANT to perform their compulsions, but feel they must or something terrible will happen or they have an overwhelming feeling of discomfort if they don’t do them. See this reel for a distinction between an organizing compulsion and just enjoying being organized. While there are many physical compulsions–hand washing, excessive Googling of symptoms, arranging items a certain way–there can also be Mental Compulsions or certain thought processes that are done in an urgent, compulsive, repetitive way in an attempt to relieve the distress brought on by the obsessions. In this story, you see me engaging in a slew of mental compulsions, such as ruminating on my performance at the exam, trying to “solve” or “prove” that I did good or bad, catastrophizing, replaying memories to check that I was right to assume I failed, and discounting evidence that didn’t support OCD’s story. 

Mental compulsions are often hidden (although I voiced a lot of mine to my mom–sorry!) and not very well known even among mental health clinicians. While physical or mental compulsions may give a bit of temporary relief from the fear or anxiety the obsession causes, they actually work to reinforce OCD’s narrative that the obsession was something to fear in the first place. The disordered part of the cycle occurs when compulsions lead to scarier obsessions which leads to more time consuming and often irrational compulsions and the cycle continues.

In order to receive a clinical diagnosis, the following must be true: 

“The obsessions and compulsions cause marked distress, are time consuming (take more than 1 hour a day), or significantly interfere with the person’s normal routine, occupational (or academic) functioning, or usual social activities or relationships.” 

Before being diagnosed with OCD at age 35, I had spent most, if not all, of my waking hours unaware I was trapped in this vicious cycle. 

I look back at this story in disbelief and sadness, yet I’m not so far into recovery that I don’t notice these same tendencies today. When Poison’s voice about my failure is loud, it’s nearly impossible for me to believe any other story. ERP¹ and ACT², two evidence-based treatments for OCD, have helped me quiet Poison’s voice and learn how to respond in a way that breaks the vicious cycle. 

I am not a therapist or mental health clinician. I am a writer sharing my story in hopes that others who are suffering silently may find a path toward healing and know that they are not alone. If you resonate with my story, I would encourage you to seek out a mental health provider who specializes in OCD. The International OCD Foundation has a searchable directory for OCD clinicians. 

Check out my OCD resource page here

I’ve picked out a few essays on my OCD recovery below:

• OCD and Faith/Religious Scrupulosity

• OCD and Creativity

• OCD and Self-Punishment

• OCD and Work

• OCD and Relationships

A helpful podcast episode on the difference between OCD and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)

Meet me in the comments!

What did you think of my story? Do you ever experience this poison-y imposter syndrome? Any questions I can answer about OCD?

1. The gold-standard for OCD treatment is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This entails intentionally moving toward your fear or negative emotion (exposure) AND not doing any of your compulsions/safety behaviors (response prevention).

2. Another evidence-based OCD treatment is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) , which encourages action that aligns with a person’s values regardless of how they feel or what OCD wants them to believe.