How to respond to OCD (and I suspect anxiety too)

Allow, Acknowledge, Accept/Agree

How to respond to OCD—it’s counter-intuitive, but LET IT BE

This post is for anyone who has OCD, is wondering if they might have OCD, or for someone with anxiety who wants to try a different tool. Keep in mind, I am not a therapist. I am sharing tools that I have been given by licensed OCD therapists that have worked for me. This is also very useful information for loved ones to know so that they don’t inadvertently feed the cycle and make OCD worse. (I’m planning a post for loved ones soon. 😘)

So we’ve learned that the OCD cycle is comprised of a trigger that leads to an obsession, which causes doubt and distress which then leads to a compulsion or action to try to relieve the distress, which brings temporary relief but actually only reinforces the cycle. If you’re still a bit confused here, please read this explainer post first, then hop on back.

The first step in OCD recovery is noticing where you’re at in the cycle. Ideally, you’d identify an OCD thought, urge, feeling, or sensation before you jump into compulsions, but often the jump from obsession to compulsion is so automatic you may find yourself way down the rabbit hole trying to solve the “problem” of your thoughts and feelings before you get a nagging suspicion that it might be OCD.

This is okay. The goal is that whenever you do notice OCD—however long you’ve been in the cycle or how in the weeds you are with compulsions—you’re allowed to step back and start over.

My therapist called this approach the Three A’s and explained it as a defensive and counter-intuitive approach to OCD.

Feel free to use this as your phone wallpaper!

The Three A’s are Allow, Acknowledge, Accept/Agree.

This is counter-intuitive because typically your first response to an OCD/anxiety trigger is to FIGHT against it. We jump through mental hoops to debate and analyze whether the uncomfortable thought or fear is true, likely to come true, has ever been true in the past, would be true in x, y, z circumstance, etc.

Resistance is what OCD wants and it keeps you stuck spinning your wheels.

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “what you resist, persists” and this is true with OCD. In order to disrupt the cycle, we must do the opposite of resistance: accept and allow.

But Aly!? How can I accept that disgusting intrusive thought? Or that sickening worst case scenario that keeps flashing before my eyes?

I know it sounds ridiculous, cruel even. But first I have to ask, has resistance and arguing and fighting helped? Would you be open to a different approach?

In OCD recovery lingo, these are called non-engagement responses (NERs). Non-engagement responses for OCD are intentional statements or mental strategies used to actively disengage from intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, essentially refusing to play into the anxiety created by OCD by acknowledging the thought without reacting to it, allowing the anxiety to naturally subside; examples include "I notice this thought is here, but I'm choosing not to engage," "It's okay to feel anxious about this," or "I can accept that this thought is possible, even if it feels uncomfortable."

Here’s how it works:

Allow

1. Allow the thought to be there

2. Do not suppress or avoid it in any way

example script→

I am feeling discomfort right now and I am choosing to stay with it, I am choosing not to solve it or do anything to relieve it. I am scared that ____. I feel irresponsible if I don’t do ____, but I am choosing to sit with that feeling.

Acknowledge

1. Acknowledge OCD/anxiety

2. Say, “oh hey OCD, thanks for sharing.” (If you name your OCD something like your ex-boyfriend’s name, this is even better. My OCD’s name is Poison because I don’t have very many exes.)

example script→

Hi Poison, thank you for sharing that I’m the worst person in the world and I have messed up irrevocably. Oh, you again, OCD, thank you for letting me know that this time I really need to figure out _____. All the other times it was OCD, but this time the threat is real. Thanks for sharing.

Accept / Agree

1. Accept the uncertainty

2. Embrace the anxiety

3. Agree with the thought / fear by saying “maybe” to what OCD says

4. Tell OCD, “I’ll cross the bridge if I get to it” If it’s telling you something

catastrophic about the future

5. “I’m not thinking about that now.”

→You’re right, OCD, I’m the worst person in the world. Maybe I am the worst person in the world. Maybe _____ will happen. Maybe it’s completely irresponsible not to_____. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

One caveat I want to give is that the point here is not to believe the bad things are true, but to stop fighting the possibility. Drop the rope. Get back to your life. When I say maybe, the discussion ends and I can decide that even if the fear is true or could come true, I can move forward according to my values anyway.

I will warn you that, especially at first, you will have to do this over and over and over and over again. It may take up MORE time to practice these allow and accept responses than just giving in. But, over time, you’re teaching your brain that you can handle these thoughts and fears and you’re giving OCD less and less control and credibility.

The key word here is practice. OCD is relentless. For each fear or what if, OCD can come up with 7 counterpoints and justifications. Your job is to respond with these tools to EACH fear.

I’d recommend keeping a log writing down the trigger/fear, then an allow, acknowledge, and accept response to each. I’ve included an example below and you can click here to get a copy of the chart on Google Docs that you can fill in with your own triggers and responses. (Don’t worry about the last two columns—we’ll go over compulsions and response prevention on the next Glitch Fix.)

Another thing to remember is to say the response and move on. Don’t get sucked in to figuring out if the non-engagement response “worked.” You may feel less anxious, you may feel worse, the point is to disrupt the cycle and stop engaging in OCD’s trickery. Over time, you will learn that you can get back to your life even when it doesn’t feel resolved, and that you can move forward toward your values even when you’re anxious.

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I would love to hear what you think! If you have tried non-engagement responses, what has been most helpful? Any funny names for your OCD/anxiety? If you haven’t, would you be willing to try or do I sound crazy pants? What hesitations or hang ups do you have?

Additional resources

Here is helpful blog post from the International OCD Foundation on non-engagement responses, especially for pernicious mental compulsions: How Do I Stop Thinking About This? What to Do When You're Stuck Playing Mental Ping Pong

I lead a monthly support group for creatives with OCD/anxiety called Create Anyway. Our next meeting is this coming Sunday, January 19th at 1pm Pacific Time over Zoom. We would love to have you join! You can find more info here and sign up for the Zoom link here.

Until next time, happy Maybes!