Grace and Growth: False Foes

Holding on and letting go

Anytime I’ve engaged in a “name your values” exercise, which is actually quite a bit considering the amount of therapy and writing classes I take (there is A LOT of overlap), two values always float to the top: grace and growth. 

Grace–letting yourself off the hook (usually from unrealistic expectations). 

Growth–pushing forward despite resistance. 

At first blush, in my mind at least, grace and growth seem diametrically opposed, foes¹. 

I’m learning, though, that I can’t have one without the other. And joining them together can open doors that were previously closed, bros². 

My previous newsletter was titled grace-filled growth and that catch phrase is still my logo and my lens for writing and approaching the world.

I love growth: forward motion and movement and tracking progress and the lime green new growth on trees, bushes, and flowers.

I am learning to love grace, too: the relief of dropping a deadline like an ill-fitting pair of jeans (you know the kind that accentuate your muffin top), resting just to rest, accomplishing less than I am capable of on purpose, to continually peel my worth and identity away from output and validation. 

In OCD recovery, I am learning to care without being compulsive. To put my whole heart into a project without becoming a slave to the outcome of that project. 

I’m still learning, and part of that learning is letting go. 

Grace-filled growth looks like letting go of…

• Trash/unrealistic expectations (although I will still write them in my planner #babysteps)

• Regret (and fear of regret)

• The banana-stained shirt sleep shirt from my time studying abroad in Costa Rica in college

• Fear of failure

• Broken crayons that litter the carpet and the art drawer

• Kid drawings of squiggly rainbows and venomous animals on the blank side of my recycled work paper (close reading worksheets and lessons on APA citation and how to construct the passive voice for research papers). For the record, I am keeping any and all artwork that states, “I love Mam.” 

• Resentment

• Shame (for example, that I missed posting here last week or that this post took longer than I planned to finish)

• Visions of a clean house

• Keeping up with chores and doctor appointments

• Control

So that I can grow in 

• Acceptance and self-compassion

• Tolerating discomfort and uncertainty

• My ability to be present and patient

• Mental flexibility 

• Frustration tolerance

• My ability to rest, to say no, to reset after a disappointment

• Connection, excitement, kindness, presence

• My capacity to handle feeling torn (this is my primary experience of OCD) so that I can get back to my life

Grace-filled growth is not learning how to make the best decision in any situation or knowing if the “right” answer is to push or let go, but learning to trust myself to live with my decisions. 

In addition to rejecting the false dichotomy between grace and growth, self-compassion–treating yourself with the same compassion you would offer to others–has helped me live with my decisions and move forward. Next week I’ll share more about the science of self-compassion and address your concerns (and popular misconception!) that self-compassion will make you lazy or selfish or hinder your goals. 

I don’t normally include a link round up, but I just had to share these two beautiful pieces that touched on the value of letting go, shifting or releasing expectations, and viewing that release as part of the growth process. 

Jami Attenberg of CRAFT TALK writes,

“But there’s also the part where we look out for ourselves and stay happy and healthy. Loosening the reins, if only for a moment. If I’m in this in the long haul then I have to be careful and thoughtful. I want this for me, and I want this for you, and I want this for all my writer friends out there. To think about a gentle approach toward this last season of the year. A nourishing assessment rather than a panic about what we haven’t done yet. Because we will get there eventually. The words will show up for us if we show up for ourselves first.”

Ashlee Gadd of The Second Act writes,

“These women are teaching me to slow down, to pause before committing, to think and pray and consider the cost before saying yes to anything and everything. I’m learning when they don’t scream YES after every idea I pitch, it’s not because they don’t love me or support me — it’s because they do.”

I also cackled at this reel and will be promptly implementing the phrase “that’s none of my business” when I start to get angsty about tracking my growth or progress. Quite frankly, that is none of my business. 

I’d love to hear from you! How are you doing? Is there anything you’re working on letting go of in order to grow? What fuels grace-filled growth for you? 

1. I couldn’t help the Hamilton reference, please bear with me for two more lines.

2. All done, I promise.