Age 19, at the end of a term studying abroad, five of us travelled to Spain for a few days. We'd been told we had to try out the tapas, so we were ecstatic when we found a tapas restaurant with really reasonable prices. With great confidence and every bit of Spanish we could muster, we each ordered ONE dish. The waiter's incredible looks should have been a clue.
Tapas are tiny appetizers, little snacks that you combine a few of for a fancy tapas meal.
We each ate our tiny plate in embarrassment, left, and got a second meal immediately after from a place with actually decent prices.
It feels irresponsible, sometimes, not to fret day and night over the possibility that there *might* conceivably be an all-powerful and indignant deity that sent its only Son ("Now look what you made me do, you disgusting little ingrates who have free will and so who could have submitted yourselves to me fully, thus accessing my perfection and then, yourselves, becoming perfect!") to "save" us from the eternal punishment we "deserve." It sure feels as though the reality is that there is this deity out there steaming and stewing over how disgusting we all are, and that if we JUST TRIED HARDER and kept trying to "solve this problem," we could figure out a way to trick ourselves into, shame ourselves into, contort ourselves into loving, and submitting ourselves fully unto, this enraged and unreasonable (not to mention vile and immoral) deity--in which case we'd be "safe" from torture, oh, other than the torture of having to live with ourselves after selling out our values, being cowards and capitulating to obvious evil that has labeled itself as unconditionally loving and perfect.
I *love* the way you phrased it about refusing to play the game--when we mindfully step back from ruminating, interrupt the cycle and gently move away from just looping and looping. Sounds like a power move! Good on you, I say! I'd like to take up using your phrasing, Aly. (And yes, I found you from D.L. Mayfield's blog, in case that's not obvious. As I use your way of framing the stepping back from ruminations over "God" [sic?], I'll be sure to, mentally at least, cite you. How about that? ;)
Much, *much* care, concern, and gratitude to you. Your writings are helping me a great deal!
I relate to feeling irresponsible so much and the inner torture of trying to figure it all out and just trying harder.
Yes! I feel like such a badass in OCD recovery and I think Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) could be beneficial for anyone--facing your scariest fears and most haunting questions (in a compassionate and baby steps way) and coming out on the other side! It's freeing and scary at the same time--you don't HAVE to play the game.
Haha, I love the mental citations, but feel free to claim it as your own and find the phrases that help you stop the cycle :) So glad my writing has been helpful and, again, I'm glad you're here!
Thanks so much for what you've written, here, Aly. What you write on this blog and what you've written in this specific comment are both valuable to me. I feel uncomfortable thinking that I might have some form of OCD, on the one hand, but seeing your courage to just get in there and use something like ERP to deal with your OCD is super-inspiring to me, on the other. Only a badass is able to confront herself and just get in there and work it! You go! Way to go! Your generosity in sharing how you're finding your way, your transparency with what your experiences are like as you walk this path of terror and healing, your willingness to share all this information both technical and personal with the rest of us is emblematic (to my mind) of what's highest and best about humans, of what we really are capable of, which is love. Thank you for showing such love for others, including me. I am sending so much gratitude to you.
Fantastic metaphor for OCD. So appreciate your writing!
Thanks, Kandi <3
Age 19, at the end of a term studying abroad, five of us travelled to Spain for a few days. We'd been told we had to try out the tapas, so we were ecstatic when we found a tapas restaurant with really reasonable prices. With great confidence and every bit of Spanish we could muster, we each ordered ONE dish. The waiter's incredible looks should have been a clue.
Tapas are tiny appetizers, little snacks that you combine a few of for a fancy tapas meal.
We each ate our tiny plate in embarrassment, left, and got a second meal immediately after from a place with actually decent prices.
Never forgot that word since!
Bahaha. Lesson learned! Love that you just left in embarrassment, too. Gosh, travel is so humbling (and hilarious)!
It feels irresponsible, sometimes, not to fret day and night over the possibility that there *might* conceivably be an all-powerful and indignant deity that sent its only Son ("Now look what you made me do, you disgusting little ingrates who have free will and so who could have submitted yourselves to me fully, thus accessing my perfection and then, yourselves, becoming perfect!") to "save" us from the eternal punishment we "deserve." It sure feels as though the reality is that there is this deity out there steaming and stewing over how disgusting we all are, and that if we JUST TRIED HARDER and kept trying to "solve this problem," we could figure out a way to trick ourselves into, shame ourselves into, contort ourselves into loving, and submitting ourselves fully unto, this enraged and unreasonable (not to mention vile and immoral) deity--in which case we'd be "safe" from torture, oh, other than the torture of having to live with ourselves after selling out our values, being cowards and capitulating to obvious evil that has labeled itself as unconditionally loving and perfect.
I *love* the way you phrased it about refusing to play the game--when we mindfully step back from ruminating, interrupt the cycle and gently move away from just looping and looping. Sounds like a power move! Good on you, I say! I'd like to take up using your phrasing, Aly. (And yes, I found you from D.L. Mayfield's blog, in case that's not obvious. As I use your way of framing the stepping back from ruminations over "God" [sic?], I'll be sure to, mentally at least, cite you. How about that? ;)
Much, *much* care, concern, and gratitude to you. Your writings are helping me a great deal!
So glad you're here!
I relate to feeling irresponsible so much and the inner torture of trying to figure it all out and just trying harder.
Yes! I feel like such a badass in OCD recovery and I think Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) could be beneficial for anyone--facing your scariest fears and most haunting questions (in a compassionate and baby steps way) and coming out on the other side! It's freeing and scary at the same time--you don't HAVE to play the game.
Haha, I love the mental citations, but feel free to claim it as your own and find the phrases that help you stop the cycle :) So glad my writing has been helpful and, again, I'm glad you're here!
Thanks so much for what you've written, here, Aly. What you write on this blog and what you've written in this specific comment are both valuable to me. I feel uncomfortable thinking that I might have some form of OCD, on the one hand, but seeing your courage to just get in there and use something like ERP to deal with your OCD is super-inspiring to me, on the other. Only a badass is able to confront herself and just get in there and work it! You go! Way to go! Your generosity in sharing how you're finding your way, your transparency with what your experiences are like as you walk this path of terror and healing, your willingness to share all this information both technical and personal with the rest of us is emblematic (to my mind) of what's highest and best about humans, of what we really are capable of, which is love. Thank you for showing such love for others, including me. I am sending so much gratitude to you.