Literally reading this as I’m in bed with Covid, and it could not be more perfect timing. Earlier today, after calling in sick from work, I found myself thinking of all the stuff I *could* do since I’m just lying here…edit my novel, write a new Substack post, keep going through that workbook I started. And then I came to my senses and was like, I AM ILL. This does not need to be a productivity makeup session for all the things I don’t normally have time for during the work week.
I was recently talking to my therapist about how I struggle to rest because I go into the weekend with a laundry list of all the creative + fun stuff I’m gonna do and then I spiral if I spend too much time on one thing and don’t make progress on everything. She asked me, “What would it be like to tell yourself ‘there’s time,’ and just enjoy whatever you want to do in that moment?” My first response was, “That would be great if it were true.” And she just said, “What if it is true?” 🤯😭
I’m sorry you’re sick, Ashley! I hope you can lean into the rest and not needing to play catch up.
“What if it is true?” Wow, that is a powerful reframe from your therapist. So much of my healing journey has been debunking these ideas I KNOW to be true, like “if I cancel class, I am a terrible professor,” “if I don’t do x now, I’m a total failure,” etc., but what if those are just my own arbitrary rules and fears speaking? What if there is enough time to do what I need and what I want?
Great storytelling, Aly! Love the Hamilton reference! 😆 I often fret about all the logistics and possible repercussions of changed/canceled plans. It’s like my brain is constantly playing a game of “if I choose X, this will happen, if I choose Y, this will happen, but if X or Y doesn’t pan out, I’ll have to do Z…” and it’s exhausting! I’m working on reminding myself that there is only so much within my control, and I’ve adopted a prayer lately that goes, “Lord, I trust you with [insert thing I want to control.]”
Thank you, Laura! It was fun to bring myself back into the scene. I’m a sucker for Hamilton (we have named our cats Aaron Purr, Abner Stubbins Hamilton, and Angelica 😹).
I resonate with the “if/then” scenarios. While part of this seems part of the mental load of motherhood, I’m also aware of how it’s not serving me. For 1. It’s exhausting and 2. It doesn’t actually make me feel more prepared—just stuck.
I’m glad prayer is helping you surrender those possible outcomes. Thanks for reading!
"Do you have a tendency to try to make up for missed opportunities or expectations?"
Yasssssssss. However, I rarely follow through with that except to extend a ton of mental anguish on how to make things "right." Sometimes it's just making sure you haven't made things more "wrong" and cut your losses. Other times it's about relationships: you need to do some apologizing or reconciling, and your part is all you can do.
Beyond that, this piece was a great read! I know it wasn't about these details, it I want to know:Was there ever a tornado? Did you ever catch heat from the higher ups? Did the students ver notice or thank you for the lack of homework? Did you stick by that "no make-ups" mindset? Very intriguing premises here!!
Laura, I relate to the mental anguish of trying to make it right.
Ha, I’ve been actively trying to stop over-explaining in my writing, but you’re making me second guess that tactic 😂 I will happily over-explain as I answer your questions below:
1. The tornado never tornadoed. In fact, the rain stopped by 2:30 so I had a new dilemma about whether or not to pivot to class being back on. I chose to stick to the cancelled class decision and decluttered my entire laundry room instead. 🤷🏻♀️
2. No heat from the higher ups. For that class specifically, I was the only teacher who taught it so I wasn’t regularly checking in with anyone. I didn’t self-report that we missed that session material (which shows how far I’ve come in battling scrupulosity!)
3. No students thanked me for the no make up plan, but they did email me to say they hoped I stayed safe. A few more anxious students wanted reassurance that they wouldn’t be tested on the missed material.
4. I have tried to stick by the “no make ups” mindset when I can. I was sick so much last semester that I did have to make a lot of alternate assignments so we could stay caught up. The biggest shift is just realizing that not making it up is indeed a viable option. It’s not always the option I choose, but it’s freeing to know I don’t have to bend over backwards to make up for losses that were already hard in the first place.
I’m sooo glad you shared this piece, Aly! Also that meme! Lololololololol.
Thanks for the encouragement that the post was ready! (I could have tinkered for two more weeks 🤣) that meme was too perfect not to use
Literally reading this as I’m in bed with Covid, and it could not be more perfect timing. Earlier today, after calling in sick from work, I found myself thinking of all the stuff I *could* do since I’m just lying here…edit my novel, write a new Substack post, keep going through that workbook I started. And then I came to my senses and was like, I AM ILL. This does not need to be a productivity makeup session for all the things I don’t normally have time for during the work week.
I was recently talking to my therapist about how I struggle to rest because I go into the weekend with a laundry list of all the creative + fun stuff I’m gonna do and then I spiral if I spend too much time on one thing and don’t make progress on everything. She asked me, “What would it be like to tell yourself ‘there’s time,’ and just enjoy whatever you want to do in that moment?” My first response was, “That would be great if it were true.” And she just said, “What if it is true?” 🤯😭
I’m sorry you’re sick, Ashley! I hope you can lean into the rest and not needing to play catch up.
“What if it is true?” Wow, that is a powerful reframe from your therapist. So much of my healing journey has been debunking these ideas I KNOW to be true, like “if I cancel class, I am a terrible professor,” “if I don’t do x now, I’m a total failure,” etc., but what if those are just my own arbitrary rules and fears speaking? What if there is enough time to do what I need and what I want?
Thanks for reading and sharing your insight!
Great storytelling, Aly! Love the Hamilton reference! 😆 I often fret about all the logistics and possible repercussions of changed/canceled plans. It’s like my brain is constantly playing a game of “if I choose X, this will happen, if I choose Y, this will happen, but if X or Y doesn’t pan out, I’ll have to do Z…” and it’s exhausting! I’m working on reminding myself that there is only so much within my control, and I’ve adopted a prayer lately that goes, “Lord, I trust you with [insert thing I want to control.]”
Thank you, Laura! It was fun to bring myself back into the scene. I’m a sucker for Hamilton (we have named our cats Aaron Purr, Abner Stubbins Hamilton, and Angelica 😹).
I resonate with the “if/then” scenarios. While part of this seems part of the mental load of motherhood, I’m also aware of how it’s not serving me. For 1. It’s exhausting and 2. It doesn’t actually make me feel more prepared—just stuck.
I’m glad prayer is helping you surrender those possible outcomes. Thanks for reading!
"Do you have a tendency to try to make up for missed opportunities or expectations?"
Yasssssssss. However, I rarely follow through with that except to extend a ton of mental anguish on how to make things "right." Sometimes it's just making sure you haven't made things more "wrong" and cut your losses. Other times it's about relationships: you need to do some apologizing or reconciling, and your part is all you can do.
Beyond that, this piece was a great read! I know it wasn't about these details, it I want to know:Was there ever a tornado? Did you ever catch heat from the higher ups? Did the students ver notice or thank you for the lack of homework? Did you stick by that "no make-ups" mindset? Very intriguing premises here!!
Laura, I relate to the mental anguish of trying to make it right.
Ha, I’ve been actively trying to stop over-explaining in my writing, but you’re making me second guess that tactic 😂 I will happily over-explain as I answer your questions below:
1. The tornado never tornadoed. In fact, the rain stopped by 2:30 so I had a new dilemma about whether or not to pivot to class being back on. I chose to stick to the cancelled class decision and decluttered my entire laundry room instead. 🤷🏻♀️
2. No heat from the higher ups. For that class specifically, I was the only teacher who taught it so I wasn’t regularly checking in with anyone. I didn’t self-report that we missed that session material (which shows how far I’ve come in battling scrupulosity!)
3. No students thanked me for the no make up plan, but they did email me to say they hoped I stayed safe. A few more anxious students wanted reassurance that they wouldn’t be tested on the missed material.
4. I have tried to stick by the “no make ups” mindset when I can. I was sick so much last semester that I did have to make a lot of alternate assignments so we could stay caught up. The biggest shift is just realizing that not making it up is indeed a viable option. It’s not always the option I choose, but it’s freeing to know I don’t have to bend over backwards to make up for losses that were already hard in the first place.
Thanks for sharing all of that, Aly!
Here’s to showing up right where you are! Really enjoyed reading this, Aly!
Love this. And oh my gosh that description of the sensation of wetness riding up your flares! Brought me right back in time.👖📼