It's particularly helpful how it explicitly alludes to operating at less than capacity. That has been something I have had so, so much trouble allowing myself to do. Instead, I fall into feeling blameworthy (and therefor in danger of punishment if I don't try harder, try "my best," i.e. operate right at capacity) And then, because I know I am not operating at full capacity, I sense I am in danger (you know, because I am behaving in a morally deficient manner), and so reflexively I fall into compulsive ***striving****.
I can't speak for others, but I find it extremely difficult to direct my brain away from messages of criticism, judgment and blame (e.g. someone having told me they think I should do it faster, do it better, and shame on me for not trying harder). And then with all my looping and looping on that, hearing the other person's critical remark in my mind playing and re-playing, I have tremendous anxiety. And then I'm striving and striving, trying to prove my worth, trying to demonstrate good faith, trying to reform myself, trying to show them, "No! Look! I'm not lazy or immoral. Look how hard I'm trying! Look at all this effort. Look at how you never see me resting! I know I need to try and try, here. My intentions are pure! Really! Please believe me when I say I'm trying as hard as I can!"
It's exhausting and leads to burn-out. But I *still* won't feel good enough. Because of course, it wasn't perfect. And so how can the other person not be still judging me and dissatisfied?
Reading things like this helps. I feel less alone. Thank you for your courage, posting about what you experience and what some of your insights about it are. Much, much care and concern as well as gratitude and respect to you.
I needed to hear this. Thank you so much!
It's particularly helpful how it explicitly alludes to operating at less than capacity. That has been something I have had so, so much trouble allowing myself to do. Instead, I fall into feeling blameworthy (and therefor in danger of punishment if I don't try harder, try "my best," i.e. operate right at capacity) And then, because I know I am not operating at full capacity, I sense I am in danger (you know, because I am behaving in a morally deficient manner), and so reflexively I fall into compulsive ***striving****.
I can't speak for others, but I find it extremely difficult to direct my brain away from messages of criticism, judgment and blame (e.g. someone having told me they think I should do it faster, do it better, and shame on me for not trying harder). And then with all my looping and looping on that, hearing the other person's critical remark in my mind playing and re-playing, I have tremendous anxiety. And then I'm striving and striving, trying to prove my worth, trying to demonstrate good faith, trying to reform myself, trying to show them, "No! Look! I'm not lazy or immoral. Look how hard I'm trying! Look at all this effort. Look at how you never see me resting! I know I need to try and try, here. My intentions are pure! Really! Please believe me when I say I'm trying as hard as I can!"
It's exhausting and leads to burn-out. But I *still* won't feel good enough. Because of course, it wasn't perfect. And so how can the other person not be still judging me and dissatisfied?
Reading things like this helps. I feel less alone. Thank you for your courage, posting about what you experience and what some of your insights about it are. Much, much care and concern as well as gratitude and respect to you.
Yes! My favorite line is: "When I scour the counter instead of my mind".
So much good is happening in the soil while the ground lies fallow.
Also, the word "pillow" rose out of the poem for me, even though that word isn't there. Maybe a mash up of fallow/p(eriod)and staying curled in bed?
This resonates so deeply! Thank you for putting this feeling of emptiness into words.
Yes to all of this!
👏🏽👏🏽