Ohhhh the church in the early 2000s. What a place. What a time. I am cackling at the DC Talk/Coyote Ugly mix. Just a Jesus Freak who Can’t Fight The Moonlight. Did you also have not one, not two, but THREE True Love Waits rings? Or was that just my particular brand of Christian Teen Perfectionism.
Happy belated birthday Aly! (And now, I can replace “old chem lab partner’s birthday” with “Aly’s birthday” for Sept 18.) (My brain holds on to the weirdest things.)
Offering yourself the “gift to be human”: that is so lovely. I wish that for you this year and always. So thankful that you are in my life.
Woof, this resonates so much with me. I’ve been in the midst of deconstruction for years, but just this year at 28 was diagnosed with OCD, and it’s been helping me make sense of a lot of things in my life. I’ve never heard that phrase “glitch in the good enough” before, but that describes my experiences well. I also resonate with healing as an ongoing project, and lately have been trying to figure out how to not be discouraged by that.
Hi Kelly, I’m so glad you’re here! Thank you for sharing your experiences. Sheesh, I know the tangle of deconstruction and OCD recovery and the tension of relief and anger and grief and confusion, along with the frustration of wanting healing to come quickly (or more quickly than it does.) I hope your diagnosis leads to illumination and self-compassion and self-trust. May we both learn to rest in the good enough. 💛
“Having to ask a question/not knowing the answer = failure of I don’t know what, but it sure felt like a sin” - this! I felt (and still feel) this a lot, but I wasn’t sure how to articulate this feeling; thank you! I also don’t know what it would be a failure of...perfection, maybe? Because if we don’t know something, we are incomplete and still have learning to do, but Jesus makes us complete (which I understood as our growth is done), so that need for growth and lack of completeness means we were wrong about having Jesus/something is separating us from him, therefore the thing is sin. I was the kid in youth group who always had the answers so I felt like I couldn’t ask questions. I always thought that was tied to image/identity (“but I’m the answer kid!”), but seeing this item on your list of “sins” makes me think it was deeper than that (especially knowing that I’ve always struggled with perfectionism). So those are some rabbit-trail thoughts!
Thank you, Elizabeth! It’s encouraging to hear that this resonated with you! I had wanted to write “the sin of not knowing the answer,” but then I know that’s ridiculous and can’t really be a sin. But it felt like it. I do think it ties into a fear of feeling incomplete/unfinished/not perfect. Yes, there was a dichotomy of believing in God’s grace and that He is working in us, but also feeling this pressure to already be transformed/sanctified. I was definitely the youth group kid with all of the answers, and can still remember (with a flood of shame) the time I was called on in biology class and didn’t know the answer. I never would have said this was a sin or something to be ashamed of for anyone else, but I felt like I was called to a higher standard. When I type it out: “I am the only person on earth who is not allowed to not know the answer,” I can see how absurd that belief is. In OCD recovery, I’ve learned my core fear is a fear of making a wrong choice and being found out for making the wrong choice. This explains why I often overcorrected to going above and beyond to be, surely, above reproach. Recovery has then looked like allowing reproach and disappointment and regret (barf) and learning that I can handle it. Whew, now I’m down the rabbit hole, but thanks for for your thoughtful comment! Do you feel like your perfection is tied to a fear of failure/being found out?
So much yes to holding yourself to a higher standard despite finding that same belief ridiculous when applied to others! (And being able to see it as ridiculous for yourself when written out, but the actual work of untangling that internally being soooo much harder.) That moment in biology class sounds awful; sending hugs to your school-age self!
I definitely have a fear of failure, and I’m pretty sure my perfectionism goes back to the fear of hell I caught at 4-5 years old. And going to hell would be the ultimate failure/being found out within evangelical subculture because it means you weren’t an “actual” Christian. I subconsciously picked up a god of conditional love, and being perfect was my solution (protection)--as long as I do everything right, everything will be okay (and thus was also born my anxiety!). The whole concept of “god has a plan for your life, and you’d better make the right choices so you get Plan A” has definitely done a number on me! Going through deconstruction and being outside of evangelical subculture for around two years has certainly helped since I no longer actively steeping in the goo, but I’m pretty sure there’s lots of religious trauma that needs tending to--thank goodness for therapy!
I’ve been really appreciating your writing because so much of it resonates, and you provide words for things that are challenging to describe! Sometimes I wonder about OCD for me, and while it doesn’t seem to fit per the DSM, having you describe your journey of healing from evangelicalism via mental health work/therapy has made me feel seen ❤️ Thank you for your honesty and your words!
Happy birthday, what a lovely endeavour to embrace your whole humanity. I definitely thought it was a sin to prefer more time alone than with people, to prioritise rest over service. Like you I am learning to love my humanity and have compassion when I feel the heaviness of guilt or shame
Oof, yes! I have definitely felt guilt over needing so much alone time (and on the flip side feeling guilty for talking too much to my husband 🤣) Grateful to be on this journey with you to embrace our humanity and choose self-compassion).
A few months ago, I turned *forty*-seven, and all I can say is the forties are better than the thirties. At least for me and the kind soul who said that to me when I was thirty-nine.
And I too have OCD, and it nearly destroyed my life going undiagnosed for about 35 years.
So yay for OCD treatment! And yay for you! Happy birthday! The best may be yet to come.
This was beautiful, thank you. I celebrated 37 this year as well and I’m pretty sure our 17 year old selves would’ve been good friends 💖 happy birthday and cheers to growing older and wiser!
Wow I love this. I could SEE your car with the license plate and everything!!! Learning how to be human will be my life’s work, and I’m so glad for concrete explorations like this one to help remind me of that.
Thank you, D.L.! Haha, unfortunately I can see me in my car, too 🙈. I love thinking of learning how to be human as our life’s work. We’re making great strides on this slow, but powerful journey!
Ohhhh the church in the early 2000s. What a place. What a time. I am cackling at the DC Talk/Coyote Ugly mix. Just a Jesus Freak who Can’t Fight The Moonlight. Did you also have not one, not two, but THREE True Love Waits rings? Or was that just my particular brand of Christian Teen Perfectionism.
Haha Krista that is amazing.
Krista, you’re amazing! “Jesus Freak who Can’t Fight the Moonlight” 🤣 I need to write a high school memoir just to use that title!
I, woefully, only had one promise ring. I blame the moonlight.
Happy belated birthday Aly! (And now, I can replace “old chem lab partner’s birthday” with “Aly’s birthday” for Sept 18.) (My brain holds on to the weirdest things.)
Offering yourself the “gift to be human”: that is so lovely. I wish that for you this year and always. So thankful that you are in my life.
Thanks, Lisa! Ha, yes, I still remember all of the September birthdays from elementary to high school. Honored to make it on your calendar!
And happy belated birthday to you! 🎉 wishing you the gift of being human. Thanks for always spurring me on toward grace, friend 💛
Woof, this resonates so much with me. I’ve been in the midst of deconstruction for years, but just this year at 28 was diagnosed with OCD, and it’s been helping me make sense of a lot of things in my life. I’ve never heard that phrase “glitch in the good enough” before, but that describes my experiences well. I also resonate with healing as an ongoing project, and lately have been trying to figure out how to not be discouraged by that.
Hi Kelly, I’m so glad you’re here! Thank you for sharing your experiences. Sheesh, I know the tangle of deconstruction and OCD recovery and the tension of relief and anger and grief and confusion, along with the frustration of wanting healing to come quickly (or more quickly than it does.) I hope your diagnosis leads to illumination and self-compassion and self-trust. May we both learn to rest in the good enough. 💛
“Having to ask a question/not knowing the answer = failure of I don’t know what, but it sure felt like a sin” - this! I felt (and still feel) this a lot, but I wasn’t sure how to articulate this feeling; thank you! I also don’t know what it would be a failure of...perfection, maybe? Because if we don’t know something, we are incomplete and still have learning to do, but Jesus makes us complete (which I understood as our growth is done), so that need for growth and lack of completeness means we were wrong about having Jesus/something is separating us from him, therefore the thing is sin. I was the kid in youth group who always had the answers so I felt like I couldn’t ask questions. I always thought that was tied to image/identity (“but I’m the answer kid!”), but seeing this item on your list of “sins” makes me think it was deeper than that (especially knowing that I’ve always struggled with perfectionism). So those are some rabbit-trail thoughts!
And happy (belated) birthday!!
Thank you, Elizabeth! It’s encouraging to hear that this resonated with you! I had wanted to write “the sin of not knowing the answer,” but then I know that’s ridiculous and can’t really be a sin. But it felt like it. I do think it ties into a fear of feeling incomplete/unfinished/not perfect. Yes, there was a dichotomy of believing in God’s grace and that He is working in us, but also feeling this pressure to already be transformed/sanctified. I was definitely the youth group kid with all of the answers, and can still remember (with a flood of shame) the time I was called on in biology class and didn’t know the answer. I never would have said this was a sin or something to be ashamed of for anyone else, but I felt like I was called to a higher standard. When I type it out: “I am the only person on earth who is not allowed to not know the answer,” I can see how absurd that belief is. In OCD recovery, I’ve learned my core fear is a fear of making a wrong choice and being found out for making the wrong choice. This explains why I often overcorrected to going above and beyond to be, surely, above reproach. Recovery has then looked like allowing reproach and disappointment and regret (barf) and learning that I can handle it. Whew, now I’m down the rabbit hole, but thanks for for your thoughtful comment! Do you feel like your perfection is tied to a fear of failure/being found out?
So much yes to holding yourself to a higher standard despite finding that same belief ridiculous when applied to others! (And being able to see it as ridiculous for yourself when written out, but the actual work of untangling that internally being soooo much harder.) That moment in biology class sounds awful; sending hugs to your school-age self!
I definitely have a fear of failure, and I’m pretty sure my perfectionism goes back to the fear of hell I caught at 4-5 years old. And going to hell would be the ultimate failure/being found out within evangelical subculture because it means you weren’t an “actual” Christian. I subconsciously picked up a god of conditional love, and being perfect was my solution (protection)--as long as I do everything right, everything will be okay (and thus was also born my anxiety!). The whole concept of “god has a plan for your life, and you’d better make the right choices so you get Plan A” has definitely done a number on me! Going through deconstruction and being outside of evangelical subculture for around two years has certainly helped since I no longer actively steeping in the goo, but I’m pretty sure there’s lots of religious trauma that needs tending to--thank goodness for therapy!
I’ve been really appreciating your writing because so much of it resonates, and you provide words for things that are challenging to describe! Sometimes I wonder about OCD for me, and while it doesn’t seem to fit per the DSM, having you describe your journey of healing from evangelicalism via mental health work/therapy has made me feel seen ❤️ Thank you for your honesty and your words!
"Today, I embrace that these mixed feelings make me human." Happy birthday! What an accomplishment to reach that place of embracing mixed feelings!
Thank you, Kandi! I so appreciate your writing about sitting with mixed feelings and choosing self-compassion 💛
Happy birthday, what a lovely endeavour to embrace your whole humanity. I definitely thought it was a sin to prefer more time alone than with people, to prioritise rest over service. Like you I am learning to love my humanity and have compassion when I feel the heaviness of guilt or shame
Oof, yes! I have definitely felt guilt over needing so much alone time (and on the flip side feeling guilty for talking too much to my husband 🤣) Grateful to be on this journey with you to embrace our humanity and choose self-compassion).
And thank you for the birthday wishes, Jen!
A few months ago, I turned *forty*-seven, and all I can say is the forties are better than the thirties. At least for me and the kind soul who said that to me when I was thirty-nine.
And I too have OCD, and it nearly destroyed my life going undiagnosed for about 35 years.
So yay for OCD treatment! And yay for you! Happy birthday! The best may be yet to come.
I love to hear that forties are better than thirties (which have already been way better than twenties for me!)
I was diagnosed with OCD at 35 and am so grateful for appropriate treatment--truly life changing!
Thank you for the birthday wishes!
You're most welcome! 😊
This was beautiful, thank you. I celebrated 37 this year as well and I’m pretty sure our 17 year old selves would’ve been good friends 💖 happy birthday and cheers to growing older and wiser!
Lindsey, I’m sure we would have been great friends if I wasn’t too shy to talk to anyone 😊 glad we’ve connected now!
Happy birthday! Grateful for you and cheers to being human.
Thank you, Kim!
Wow I love this. I could SEE your car with the license plate and everything!!! Learning how to be human will be my life’s work, and I’m so glad for concrete explorations like this one to help remind me of that.
Thank you, D.L.! Haha, unfortunately I can see me in my car, too 🙈. I love thinking of learning how to be human as our life’s work. We’re making great strides on this slow, but powerful journey!