Try Mediumer
So here is my Research Question: Can I purposefully submit work that does not feel JUST RIGHT, but GOOD ENOUGH? Can I give myself the grace to Try Mediumer?
Experiment: Try Mediumer⠀⠀⠀
Introduction: I'm a lecturer in the Linguistics department at San Diego State University. I teach writing to students whose first language isn't English. As a non-tenure track instructor, I'm required to complete an annual evaluation where I compile a portfolio of my work. I'm asked to submit major exams and assignments, sample activities, syllabi, student evaluations, and peer observations. I'm supposed to highlight my "best work."
In my 5 years at SDSU, this assignment has never failed to make me miserable. I spiral into What ifs? and lament that my "best" could always be better. I avoid avoid avoid until days before the deadline and then I work for 72 frantic hours compiling, clarifying, and convincing myself (and hopefully my supervisors!) that my work is not one big heap of rubbish.
I have checked and double checked my files, my explanations, my exemplars until I have accounted for every type of activity, answered my evaluators' every question before they even think them. I have worked until the portfolio feels JUST RIGHT.⠀⠀
In OCD recovery, I am learning that this need to achieve "perfection" is actually an Obsession, and my actions--avoidance or overachieving--are actually Compulsions. Rigid rules of perfection that make me feel in control, but actually perpetuate my anxiety and fear of failure.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I am learning to ask, what do I value MORE than perfection?⠀⠀⠀⠀
I want healing, self-compassion that spills into grace for others. I want to be proud of my work, but not a slave to it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
So here is my Research Question: Can I purposefully submit work that does not feel JUST RIGHT, but GOOD ENOUGH? Can I give myself the grace to Try Mediumer?
I'll post my findings on Thursday. Do you have any experiments you'd like to try? Comment here or use the hashtags #exspearymints and #trialandreflection on Instagram.