Compassionate Commitments and Kindness Plans
A resolution alternative, resources, and a gentle nudge
As the New Year approaches and you’re tempted to make unreasonable resolutions and spend $100 on planners that are sure to fix your life, I’d like to introduce you to the concept of a compassionate commitment.
Rev. Katie O’Dunne, one of my favorite mental health advocates, coined this term to encourage others to step forward imperfectly toward what matters most. “It’s not about checking a box or getting upset for making a mistake…but all about continuing to offer ourselves compassion for being human while running toward our values.”
A compassionate commitment means setting an intention while also giving yourself a lot of grace to meet that intention in an imperfect, not all-or-nothing way.
Our culture focuses a lot on SMART goals, making sure your resolutions are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. Productivity experts (whoever they are) float the myth that if you could just nail down the perfect goals, success is sure to come. While I agree that some goals are more realistic than others, I’d like to shift our focus and strategic energies not toward goal setting, but toward planning our response if we don’t happen to meet our goals in the exact way and on the exact timeline we were hoping.
I say, if you’re going to make a plan, make a kindness or self-compassion plan. Part of a compassionate commitment involves committing to treating yourself well EVEN IF you fall short.
Think about the way you normally respond when you don’t reach a goal or expectation. Maybe you spiral into self-loathing and use this as proof that you can never do anything right and, subsequently, shouldn’t even try. This might trigger binge eating, binge watching, binge shopping, numbing out, etc. Maybe you’re a knuckle down, buckle down kind of person and any kind of perceived failure spurs you to re-commit to goals that are even more rigorous and unachievable, thus initiating a new cycle of striving.
However you normally respond, I invite you to consider self-compassion. Self-compassion looks like responding with kindness. Self-compassion means purposely doing activities that make you feel good, even if you’re convinced you don’t deserve to feel good in that moment.
Self-Compassion Plan: What are three tangible, kind things you can do for yourself when you mess up or fall short of your intention?
My three most life-giving actions would include some kind of movement (a walk or dance class, swimming or rock climbing), connection (Voxing a friend, calling my mom, or leaving a thoughtful comment on someone else’s Substack), and creativity (writing, water coloring, tidying one space in the house).
This means if I miss my goal, I don’t double down on that goal or give it up all together. Instead, I pause, get moving, connect, create and come back to my goal later when I’m not seething in a pit of self-loathing.
Now is your chance to pause and identify three ways you plan to be kind to yourself if you don’t meet your compassionate commitment. Let me know in the comments or by replying to this email.
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Okay, now we can move on to setting our compassionate commitments. We are bombarded with messaging that we need to lose weight, be more productive, master our time and our schedules and our bodies; my gentle nudge is to consider making a compassionate commitment to take one step toward healing or wholeness in your mental health journey.
Here are some ideas:
Find a support group and try it out!
Get on the waitlist for an OCD therapist
Reach out to your current therapist to see if they think OCD might be a fit for the anxious spirals you find yourself in (Yes, you. You read and relate but think there’s no way you have OCD. Just consider it. Rule it out. Don’t dismiss it. OCD is incredibly misrepresented and, as a result, misunderstood. Even most therapists are not knowledgeable in how to diagnose or treat it)
Reload your HSA card to pay for therapy
Commit to reducing compulsions and safety behaviors
Order a workbook (here’s my rec) to go through alone or with a friend
Learn more about self-compassion
I know this all sounds scary. If you do have OCD, you’re suffering no matter what, bombarded by guilt and rules and fears. You might as well do the hard thing that leads to freedom. Make one small commitment to your mental health this year.
I’d love to know, what compassionate commitment can you make to improve or support your mental health this year?
My compassionate commitment to my mental health this year is to be better about using my non-engagement tools when feelings of general dread, dis-ease, or dissatisfaction pop up. I’ve gotten pretty good at disrupting the OCD thought process and eliminating compulsions. I still struggle when the icky feeling is not connected to a specific OCD thought or fear. I want to be quicker to embrace the ick and not get caught up believing it’s something I need to do something about to fix or change. And, if I find myself getting sucked in to OCD’s story (which is bound to happen!), I will respond with my self-compassion plan of movement, connection, and creativity.
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Resources for you
How to find support groups and treatment providers:
To locate therapists, clinics and support groups, go to iocdf.org and click on FIND HELP. Enter the requested information to locate the resources you need.
You can also go to: Support Groups to locate the Support Group information directly. This page lists in-person and online support groups.
How to locate an OCD psychiatrist. Go to the iocdf.org website, click on FIND HELP, enter requested information. Under "Listing Type" click on "Medication Providers."
NOCD also offers support groups: OCD Treatment and Therapy | NOCD (treatmyocd.com)
Sign up for my OCD and Creativity Support Group: Create Anyway. This is a monthly check in discussion group specifically for people who suffer from OCD or anxiety and want to pursue creativity anyway.
As a fellow OCD sufferer myself, I offer a unique and empathetic role in your journey. Sign up here for more info about my personalized coaching services.
Please reach out if you have questions about any of the resources, or if I can help connect you to a specific type of resource. If you’re feeling brave, go ahead and share your self-compassion plan and compassionate commitment for the year. I’d love to cheer you on!
Thanks for being here! Wishing you a New Year filled with hope, grace, and self-compassion as we journey toward wholeness together.
“Instead, I pause, get moving, connect, create and come back to my goal later…”
Love this shift in energy! 💜