Dear OCD, aka Poison,
I am not going to argue with you or even take the time to hear you out. I will let you be here. I get it, I do. You are trying to protect me. From regret and disappointment, from a mistake I have not yet discovered. Poison, I am sorry to tell you, the threat is not real. Well, that is not true. There are real threats all the time. I could fail. I could deeply, deeply regret my choices. I am not here to argue the content of your warnings, of your worries.
I am here to tell you that I can handle it. I will be okay. I have been through regret, and it clarified my values and taught me humility and reconciliation. I have been through failure, missed deadlines, hurt friendships, and I made it out okay. My mistakes have served as opportunities for growth and to receive grace. I wouldn’t have known the kindness of others if I had held it together perfectly.
Poison, you push me toward perfection and productivity. I miss surrender and surprise. Joy and delight.
I want you to know I’m stronger than you think I am.
When I create, the idea in my head is always better than the reality—I am underwhelmed with the results. The opposite is true in OCD. The OCD fears in my head are far scarier than any reality. A mistake happens in real life. I’m underwhelmed.
Because even if it’s worse than I thought or there is something I cannot undo, at least I am living. Present. Surrendered and surprised. Palms open and pain cradled in tenderness.
Poison, thank you for trying to protect me up until now. I will no longer waste my life planning against the possibility of discomfort and disappointment. The irony is that the only thing I truly regret is wasting my time trying to (impossibly) prevent regret.
Poison, you can stay as long as you like, but I don’t need you anymore. I’m moving on.
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What about you? What would you say to your OCD/anxiety?
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